From the archive: When the pastor is perfect

Henry found it harder and harder as part of the leadership in his church, for the pastor did not allow questions to be asked by or given input into his way of doing things.

By Jens Linde

In the two seconds of silence that followed, Henrik felt his stomach rapidly contracting into a rock-hard, black knot. And then it came:
- FORGOT TO FIND ONE TO CONTROL THE SOUND? DIDN'T WE AGREE THAT IT WAS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY? HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT? WHAT DO YOU HAVE S? WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?
Pastor P continued to shout, but Henrik no longer heard the words. He walked out into the vestibule of the church, and although he did not want anyone to see him react, he could not hold the tears inside. They just wanted out. Only seven minutes ago everything else had been joyful and happy, and he had stood and chatted a little with Pastor P about the parents' meeting he had attended at the school yesterday. And Reverend P had been both sweet and nice and had listened and interestedly asked questions. Henry had just begun to lower his shoulders slightly and relax when Reverend P looked at the clock and asked: Well, we'll start in five minutes, who did you get hold of to control the audio?

Flap your heels together
This had become more and more frequent in recent times, and it was not only Henry, who was in charge of the church, that the shouting went out. People simply got scolded by the pastor if everything wasn't perfect. At one point Henrik had tried to tell Pastor P that it would be possible to talk like adults, but then Pastor P had become angry. Henry had only to submit himself and, moreover, had to be able to deal with the pastor shouting at him when he had made mistakes.
It all came from a new style of leadership in the church: Pastor P was the visionary who, like Moses, went up the mountain and heard from God, and then the rest of the congregation had to follow what God had revealed. The problem was that Henrik felt that it was completely impossible to question Pastor P's line, ideas, visions and way of acting. Even simple elaborative questions, which were asked for the sake of understanding, were ill-heard. Once God had spoken to Pastor P, all the rest of the congregation had to do was clap their heels together and say yes.

Pastor Flawless
To begin with, it had not been a problem for Henrik. He was convinced that Pastor P was God's chosen one, and he didn't even consider asking questions about what the pastor said and did. On the contrary, Henrik worked as the head of a working branch of the church, and for a time gave priority to the church over the family.
It didn't bother him either, as the focus of the sermons slowly shifted from being about God and to being about raising the congregation. He recorded it almost unconsciously, but it didn't bother him.
As time went on, however, the sum of small findings and records piled up in Henrik's mind and created a discomfort. Like when, as a result of a specific incident in which he had been upset about Pastor P's behavior towards a person with social problems, he called the pastor to talk about how to reach out to such people in the church, but was taken aback by the answer: Don't interfere with that, because I'm doing it the right way. Henry did not fully understand what the pastor meant, and said: How can I talk to you about something in the future without you getting angry if I have any questions or input? And the answer was tinglingly clear: You shouldn't, because what I'm doing is the right thing.

Left the church
Henrik eventually came to feel like a cardboard figure who couldn't get around to speaking his mind anywhere. Neither at church leadership meetings nor under four eyes with Pastor P. And he felt lonely, for he could not see who he should be able to share his experiences with.
At the same time, the uncertainty of when Pastor P was going to explode lay like a little knot deep inside his stomach. A node that could quickly grow large, stone-hard and black. It was so unfamiliar to him. On the job, he worked in multidisciplinary teams, where the whole idea was that each one should come in with his point of view and point of view and put it all on the table so that you could make informed decisions after seeing things from many different angles. But that was no longer the case in the church. Here was Pastor P's word law. And Henrik suffered so that for a long time he went and was depressed. Until he made the decision: I'm leaving the church.

Intoxicating freedom
It was hard for Henrik to say goodbye. Not only because Pastor P had a long talk with him and explained that he considered Henry's act to be an attack by Satan. But especially because, he felt he was letting down those who stayed behind. He just had to - for the sake of his family, his health and his self-esteem.
And the effect did not disappear: the feeling of freedom came instantly - almost like an intoxication. Henrik could feel the knot in his stomach disappear, and suddenly he could have a completely normal family life, where there was plenty of time for each other.
Henrik has since found another church to come to, but he is not active in volunteering at the church. Trust in other people has taken a crack and it takes time for the wounds to heal. It has been good to read books about the problem, but also to talk to other people who have been through something similar. There is a way out.

Henrik is a real person, but the name Henrik and the title Reverend P are made up, just as specific incidents are blurred so that they cannot be recognized by outsiders.
Model photo: Per Bækgaard